No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize