I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
