Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
