Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
