Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
