Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
