Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
