I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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