Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
