last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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