Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
