you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
