I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
