Soap is not a condiment
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
