: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize