I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
