Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize