Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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