im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my poor anus
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
