Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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