I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize