I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I enjoy the company of your penis
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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