no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
