it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
