apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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