I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
