Porn is love you can see.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
