Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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