did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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