Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
