Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
