God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
