Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We named our party play list daddy issues
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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