My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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