fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
wanna go halves on a baby?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize
