I hate your face
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
