She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
