You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
