Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize