wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
honey bunches of taint.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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