I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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