Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
