For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I AM VODKA MAN
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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