$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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