I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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