That's intense
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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