oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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