But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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