her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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