You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
