i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize