last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize