it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
